


What We Believe

by WithallthisDelusion



Series: Diluted [2]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Age Difference, Aggression, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Cheating, Crossdressing Louis, Dark, Depression, Dubious Consent, Established Relationship, F/M, Infidelity, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Oral Sex, Past Child Abuse, Rough Sex, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-12
Updated: 2018-12-18
Packaged: 2019-09-16 16:45:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16957764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WithallthisDelusion/pseuds/WithallthisDelusion
Summary: How can everything fall apart while still remaining together.Louis is lost in a crowd torn between the life he knows he should give up and the one that keeps him alive. Harry faces the reality of his childhood and how it still torments his life. Finding glimpses of pain and agony amongst the love and nurture. Everything is hidden behind the whisper of bitter words and clench of gentle fists.What we see between the lines of anger inside to the fear of losing who we love, is what we believe.~ Or ~The one where Harry faces his father, to keep Louis.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Sequel to 'It's Different'

The dull water had a mixture of blue to it, maybe even a little bit of red, as it forced a dark purple to slosh around the edges of the toilet bowl.

Louis’s head was split in two, his eyes blurring as his stomach gnawed in agony. He felt the muscles in his gut tense as he heaved up another toxic load of colourful vodka.

The music was banging on the door, or maybe it was a fist. He couldn’t tell as he leaned against the bathroom titles by the side of the toilet. He gave the door a weak kick, wanting the music to stop. It was caught as it swung open, a hand slowly shutting it behind them as they stepped inside.

As Louis looked up, he quickly felt his stomach convulse and he instead threw himself towards the toilet.

“Shit Louis.” He muttered, his hands stretching over the blue eyed boy’s shoulders. “We better get you home.” The water in the bowl was becoming darker, probably blackened by the poison in his soul, he thought miserably. “Come here babe.” Phillip whispered running his hand through his soft brown curls and disorienting his boyfriend’s grim thoughts. He gently pressed at Louis’s shoulders, sitting him upright as he kneeled behind him, leaning his slim frame up against his chest.

The air felt stale and slimy around them. Phillip began to gently caress Louis’s front, firmly holding him steady and whispering quietly into his ear. “… home and have a nice warm shower.”

Home.

Louis hadn’t been home in ages. Ever since he was a young kid returning from a long holiday. He had never found a place that felt like home since. Phil nudged Louis’s shoulder, tempting him to stand up. But the blue eyed boy whined and flopped himself against his boyfriend’s broad chest reluctantly.

“I’m not ready to go back yet.” He whined, his head still swimming in circles as he pushed against his chest.

The blinking lights from outside flickered underneath the gap in the door. Phil’s husky chuckles, eased the nausea in Lou’s mind as his strong hands wrapped around his torso and lifted him up. Louis swung around, capturing Phil and holding him close.

Together they navigated their way out of the university party, ignoring the laughs and drinks offered their way. It wasn’t a long walk towards Phil’s tiny room, but Louis struggled to keep his feet moving on the path.

Louis leaned heavily against Phil, tightening his hands in his jacket. “Phil, I feel sick.” A reassuring hand pressed on his hip, before it was soon accompanied by a soothing voice.

“We’re not that far off, love.”

The blue eyed man’s stomach clenched again, not from the ache in his stomach, but from the endearing pet name that was commonly muttered to him by another. He felt sick again, he threw himself to the side, vomiting in the bushes.

“Shit, I didn’t think there was anything left in you.” Phil said teasingly, quickly sitting by his boyfriend’s side and caring for him.

Louis shut his eyes, the world continued to slosh around him as he wobbled. His ears were ringing with an echo from the loud music, and Phil’s caring behaviour. Lou felt like a piece of shit, he was trying to kill himself with late drunken nights and guilt. He clenched his fists into the dirt, trying to ground himself. He was alive, that was what mattered. He sometimes believed he was happy, better than never. He had someone who loved him, even if that love only ever made him feel guilty.

Louis wished he could bury himself under the soil, to let his body dissolve and to let his mind rest. Instead he nudged Phil away and stood by himself, determined to get under the shower to clean the vomit off the front of his shirt. 

His feet were heavy as Louis leant against the bathroom door, watching Phillip test the heat of the water. Lou shut his eyes, his head felt too heavy and his chest too hollow.

For a while now, Louis has considered telling Phil about Harry. He tried to rationalise the reality of not having both of them, and it always left him feeling vulnerable. He knew that people sometimes lied to protect themselves, to keep things peaceful.

Phillip didn’t deserve to be second place, after all he was the one stability in Louis’s confusing life. But then there was Harry, and he always dug underneath Louis’s skin, taking his heart and holding his body. Even if it was only for a moment, it was all too much and not enough. He made Lou feel something that no one else ever had. There was no denying that Harry made Louis feel alive.

The blue eyed boy stepped towards the shower, lifting his shirt above his head and tossing it to the floor. Phillips’s hands circled his hips, before unbuttoning his jeans and tugging them to the floor. Lou removed the rest of his clothes, before stumbling underneath the warm water. He could feel the water indent his skin with hundreds of little flecks, he tilted his neck down to his chest as he dunked his head under the spray.

The water rushed past his ears, the monotonous tapping rhythm lulling him into easiness. He was soon joined by warm hands that were holding him steady while gently rubbing down his back. Louis hummed softly, his head feeling heavier as he was soothed. “Feeling better?” Phil whispered, his lips close to Lou’s ear. The blue eyed boy nodded, resting his palms against the tiles. “Next time, we won’t go as hard, yeah?" 

Louis continued nodding, not really focusing on his voice. His thoughts seem to scatter around him, as he lost track of his thoughts regarding the hard-uneven grout underneath his feet to the failed conversation he tried to have tonight with a girl from his high school.

Phil’s hand smoothed over his boyfriend’s shoulder, before slipping down towards his front and pulling his back in towards his chest. “I love how warm you always are.” He whispered, pressing a delicate kiss to Lou’s jaw.

The words felt dampened by the plummeting rain, as the blue eyed boy barely noticed his touch. Finding his eyes drifting down towards his stomach, disappointed at its common sight. Sometimes he wondered if Harry only saw this as a pathetic child’s body.

“…even when your dancing like a weirdo.” Phil continued, running both hands down to rest on Lou’s hips, drawing him back against his groin. His breath rushed out quickly as Louis noticed his interest. It was almost like a reflex as Lou shifted his hips up, to tease the firming cock behind him.

Grunting, Phil tightened his grip over his hip, barely stopping himself from pushing into his boyfriend. The pounding party music was still screaming in Lou’s ears as he numbly placed his hand over Phil’s, before guiding it down to his soft member. He could have easily forgotten that it was Phil standing behind him, it could have been anyone and it wouldn’t have made a difference.  

With a faint sigh, Phil moved his hand away from Lou’s hip, taking himself in hand. Louis listened to his soft whines and rushed breathes. The slick sound of his hand gliding over his dick, made the base of Lou’s spine tinge with unease. “I haven’t forgotten.” Phil whispered, before gently slipping his fingers inside the blue eyed boy, carefully opening him up.

Maybe it was the alcohol that encouraged him to stop caring, but Lou could easily pretend that it was Harry moving his fingers in and out of him. But deep down, he knew that it would also just be in his imagination. Only Phillip liked shoving his fingers up his arse, he didn’t find it dirty or disgusting. He did it so then they could both enjoy it.

Lou tasted a salty drop of water that slipped between his lips, he couldn’t tell whether it was a tear or just pollution in the pipes. An involuntary breath escaped his trembling lips, as Phil twisted his finger in at a certain angle, stroking his prostate.

Phil leaned closer, pressing a kiss at the base of his neck. “Hmm I think you need another haircut.” He whispered, breathing in the scent of his dampened hair. “Or you could grow it out and I’ll try to braid it for you.”

His boyfriend chuckled, letting a faint smile pass over his lips. “Braid your own hair.” He returned playfully. Wondering how long Harry’s hair was by now, the last time he saw him his hair had definitely become a prominent feature. He wished he could have run his fingers through it.

Pulling his fingers out, Phil pressed another kiss to the blue eyed boy’s jaw. “Did you want me to wear a condom? I’m sure clean up would be easier in here anyway.”

“Doesn’t matter.” Louis mumbled, leaning his shoulders forward towards the tiles and pushing his arse out.

Phil chuckled, “You know I love your arse, darling. But let me see your eyes.” He gently ran a hand down Lou’s side, encouraging him to turn around.

Hoping he didn’t look like a mess, Louis turned to face a man so enamoured with him.

Phillip tugged on a soft smile as he stepped closer, reaching out to hold Lou’s face in his hand as he leaned down to press their lips together. The gentle caress of his lips sent shivers down Lou’s bare body, he felt too exposed as the warm water felt boiling on his skin.

The pressure of his lips was almost too much, before Phil slipped his tongue inside his mouth. Easing the desperation of his touch, as he pulled their pelvises together. Louis shut his eyes, wishing that this was all that he needed.

Two strong hands caught the back of Lou’s thighs before he was heaved up. Wrapping his legs around Phil’s waist, Lou moaned at the intimate position of their bodies. “Don’t fucking drop me.” Lou murmured, tightening his arms around Phil shoulders as he pushed kisses to his neck.

“I promise.” He whispered, leaning back to look down at their hips. “Is this alright?” Phil questioned, before looking back into his soft blue eyes. Phil touched a hand to the freezing tiles. “Shit that’s way too cold. How about we do this in bed instead?”

Overwhelmed and needing to be fucked back into placidity, Lou sighed out. “Come on Phil, fuck me already.”

Phillip gently lined up his cock, meeting his boyfriend’s distracted eyes as he slowly sunk down. Moaning at the sensation Phil rested his head against Lou’s chest, listening to his heartbeat and letting him get comfortable to their new position.

After a moment, Phil withdrew his hips before pushing up again. He rocked back and forth, scraping against Louis’s prostate with each thrust. The blue eyed boy whined, wiggling to get more of Phil inside him with each push, he needed more. He clenched his hands in his dirty blonde hair and dragged him closer.

Phil couldn’t get enough; his beautiful boyfriend was moaning wildly where he balanced hazardously between his cock and the shower wall.

Louis shut his eyes, finding dark curls swamping his vision. Like rope tangling around his neck, he would gladly suffocate in those ebony strands. Thrusting a bit too hard, Louis was knocked back, thumping his head against the unforgiving tiles. “Fuck.” He bit out.  

“Are you okay?” Phil panicked, halting his thrust and carefully moving his hand to hold the back of Lou’s head.

Shrugging Lou wiggled his hips, trying to keep him going. “It’s fine, don’t stop.” His head was aching, the thick pulse of blood swamped behind his eyes with each thrust. He felt like hitting his head again, in hopes of cutting off every pain. It made his empty stomach churn, as the alcohol in his blood stream made him feel tired and grumpy.

Even though he felt like shit. This was a feeling during sex that Louis was used to while underneath Imogen’s roof. There wasn’t much difference to whenever Harry would touch him, while keeping his eye on the time. Pushing in harder and faster, just to speed things up and call it a night. Waiting for the other person to get their pleasure, before being tossed aside.

Phil grunted, his hips stuttering as his eyes fluttered. He leaned forward, pressing a soft kiss to Louis’s lips and pushing their chests together. Phil’s hand moved between them, taking Louis in his warm palm, before he frowned down in confusion.  

He slowed down his movements, to take in the limp sight of Louis’s cock. “Babe is something wrong?” Phil wondered, gently tracing random shapes along Lou’s thigh.

Lifting his head forward, and forcing his eyes open. Lou shrugged lazily, “I’m tired and drunk.  What do you expect. Just fucking finish and leave me alone.”

Something unpleasant sunk to the bottom of Phil’s stomach, for a moment he couldn’t recognise his boyfriend before him. Instead he carefully slipped out of Lou’s arse. Letting the promise of pleasure diminish from his groin as he moved a hand to Louis’s feet, trying to unwrap them from behind his hips.

“Louis you can let go. We don’t have to do this.” He offered, pulling gently at his feet again.

“Fuck me Phil. Come on you bastard. You’re almost there anyway.” Lou muttered, leaning back against the tiles and crossing his arms over his chest. 

Reaching up, Phil cupped Lou’s sharp jaw. Letting his thumb trace over his cheek. He didn’t need to see Louis’s eyes to know that he wasn’t in the right state of mind. He was drunk, hungry and being fucked without lube.

Withdrawing his hand from Lou’s jaw, Phil switched off the water. Picking up Lou from the wall as the boy jolted and clung onto his boyfriend’s shoulders as he was carried out of the shower.

Slowly, Louis unlinked his ankles, as he was placed on the ground. Phil slung a towel over the blue eyed boy’s head, gently drying out the water from his hair, and caressing the drops from his eyes and cheeks. He then slipped the towel around his shoulders, as he pressed a soft kiss to Lou’s forehead.  

“Goodnight, love.” Phil whispered, turning away as he began to brush his teeth. 

Louis stumbled out of the bathroom, confused and pent up. Silently he had hoped for a fight. For a reason to be cheating on his fateful partner. He slipped into his pyjamas, crawling underneath the sheets and rolling onto his side.

His arse was feeling disappointingly cold, as he listening to the sounds of Phil spitting his toothpaste out into the sink.

 

***  
  


Climbing back up the steps of Harry’s family home, Louis was feeling exceptionally exhausted already. Even though he didn’t wake up till four in the afternoon, after another day of doing fuck all.

It had been a month since Niall arrived. Meaning, it had been a month since Louis and Harry had been able to sleep together. The distance was driving Louis crazy, and he could tell it affected Harry even worse. 

He knocked on the front door, hearing the creak of footsteps nearing closer. He breathed in deeply, trying to reposition his feelings into a more positive and optimistic spot.

“Hey man, how you going?” Niall asked, shaking his hand and holding the door open for him. 

Sucking at his teeth, Lou shrugged, “Same as.” He walked down the familiar hallway, to find a snoozing Oscar at the end. Balled up on a cushion and surrounded by his various toys, the boy was fast asleep. “Easy night then?”

Niall smirked, “Yeah his been out for a while now. Just step over him and you’ll be alright.”

Carefully stepping over the young boy, Louis took in the various button up shirts laid out against the coffee table. He turned to see Niall watching the muted television, “You been busy?” Louis asked, slipping his hands into his pockets and taking in the different coloured shirts.

“Yeah, I’m still trying to get my busking license. But I managed to earn £10 on Wednesday.” Niall smiled, nonchalantly.

“Do you have anything grey?” Imogen asked, turning the corner and nearly bumping into Louis. “Oh, didn’t hear you come in.” She said with a bit of a bite at the end of her words.

“Hi.” Lou said, as Imogen redirected the question to Niall. They both watched as the Irishman fumbled through the various shirts he had displayed, trying to find something grey. 

“Black okay?” The blonde man wondered, holding up a crinkled office shirt.

Frowning at her brother, Imogen sighed exasperated, “I’ll find you something of Harry’s to wear instead of that.” She spun around, heading into their bedroom. Louis had never stepped inside, sure when it was just him and Oscar at home he had peeked inside. But all it did was cause his gut to twist uncomfortably to see so many of Harry’s things mixed with hers.

“Are you going to the dinner too?” Lou asked.

Niall grinned, “Yeah, I finally managed to convince them to let me tag along.” He fiddled with the belt of his black jeans. “Hey you reckon I can get away with wearing these instead of trousers?” 

Rounding the corner, green eyes narrowed on messy brown hair that was threatening to grow out to his shoulders. He then noticed his blue eyes caught on Niall’s crotch. A burst of jealously stung down his chest as he stepped further into the room. His recently ironed shirt, unbuttoned as it was slung over his shoulders, his bare chest bathing in the cool air.  

“Hmm you’re on time for once.” Harry started out saying, feeling Louis’s eyes fall down towards his chest. Harry kept his gaze on Niall’s various shirts strew throughout the room. “Your picking all that up, yeah?”

“Of course, hey thanks Harry again for bringing me to the dinner tonight.” The blonde man offered, scooping up his shirts.

Harry then took the time to return Lou’s glare, fuck he had missed the boy. His face seemed darkened by a brush of stubble over his cheeks and the hazy tiredness in his eyes. “How’s Phillip?” Harry asked, throwing a glance back at Niall.

Hiding his clenched fists behind his back, Louis quirked a smile. “His fine.” He mumbled, taking in the brief stutter of Niall’s actions.

“His only got, what two more years left of his degree?” Harry persisted. Noticing Louis’s tensed jaw and reluctance to talk about his boyfriend in front of Niall.  

The brown haired boy nodded, as Niall stood up straight. Raising his hands above his head and stretching. The thin fabric of his t-shirt lifted, revealing his pale stomach. Lou’s eyes automatically moved to see it, as Harry retained focus on the boy of his obsession.

Louis had gotten to know Niall well, they had explored the city together and always ended up with a pack of beers between them. The Irishman was so clueless as Louis asked him question after question about Harry’s daily life. But their little time together still managed to make the green eyed man jealous.

“We’ll need to leave soon. Better get dressed Niall, no time for a shower. We need to go in five minutes.” Harry muttered, as Niall stuttered into action, slipping off into the bathroom. “I think Oscar’s better off in his bed, then on the floor.” He stated, his eyes narrowing on Louis.

Looking down at Harry’s sleeping son, the younger man nodded briefly. He carefully rocked the toddler to wake up, before carrying him into his bedroom. Once he was tucked underneath the sheets and his bedroom light had been turned off. Harry’s firm hand clamped around Louis’s wrist, as he was dragged down into the empty study room.

With his hands against Louis’s shoulders, Harry shoved him back against the wall. Startling a breathless gasp of his name, from the younger man’s parted lips. The heat burning in Louis’s gut seemed to catch light as the older man’s body came closer. The rising pressure in his hips, starting wild ideas in his mind that he knew they wouldn’t have time for.

Harry couldn’t see the burning lust behind Louis’s eyes, as each second slipped further away. The younger man’s expression changing so quickly, that each moment was becoming lost. It had been too long, and Harry had almost forgotten all the small details that etched across his beautiful face during these times.

Warm hands tugged at the open ends of Harry’s blue shirt, urging him to come closer. To push deeper and forget about everyone else in the house. Harry was torn between wanting to fuck Lou, and wanting to cherish the subtle changes since the last time he stared this closely into his wide eyes.

Louis’s confident hands continued to travel lower, his thumb skated across the band of his trousers before he slipped his hand inside, past the waistband of his underwear. His fingers barely touched the coarse hairs above his cock, before Harry’s hand snatched it away.

His fingers indented into the younger man’s wrist, before slamming it back against the wall, pinned above his head. Harry wanted to tear Louis’s clothes off and bury himself in his scent, taste his skin and feel the tight heat of his arse. An involuntary growl escaped from his chest, as moved his other hand to the blue eyed boys neck.

Harry’s thumb teased his trembling bottom lip, before his palm settled tensely against Louis’s throat. The boy’s eyes narrowed on Harry’s, as his chest started to rise and fall rapidly.

Pushing forward, their lips were pressed together. The green eyed man could feel the blood thumping underneath Louis’s skin, his desperation obvious in the rush of his breath. Harry nipped at his lips, sliding his tongue in-between and revelling in the forgotten feeling.

He couldn’t control the need to push closer, he leaned into Louis’s warm body. His knee parted Lou’s wobbly legs as he grinded against his thigh. He released Lou’s wrist, moving to twirl his hand in wild hair instead. “Harry, 5 minutes remember.” The younger man whispered.

Grunting with annoyance, Harry gripped the boy’s shoulders, before spinning him around and shoving his chest against the wall. He quickly tugged down his jeans, starting on his own zip when Louis sent his elbow back into his chest.

The air escaped Harry’s lungs as he stumbled to catch his breath. “We haven’t got time for this.” Lou spat, pulling his pants back up and wiping at his mouth. He grumbled on his way out of the study, leaving Harry to fix himself up.

Purposefully avoiding Louis and Niall sitting on the couch, Harry continued his way into his bedroom. Once he shut the door behind him, he leant back against it. He released an exhausted breath, as he tightened his hands in his hair, tugging at the strands and hissing at the sharp sting. He wondered why he was always such a fucking idiot.

“Harry which one of these can Niall borrow for tonight?” Immi’s voice forced him to straighten up as he released the innocent curls from his angry grip.  

He walked into the wardrobe, finding Imogen scanning through his rack of many different button-up shirts. “I really don’t care.” He mumbled, staring at his reflection in the mirror. He buttoned up his open dark blue shirt, before picking out a silver tie. “It isn’t that fancy anyway, it’s just an early Christmas get together for the staff.” 

She huffed, picking out the grey shirt she had in mind, before storming out of the room and rushing to get Niall ready.

With the privacy of his small wardrobe, he finally caught his head in his hands. Begging for the distasteful feeling in his gut to leave. He was stressed out beyond belief with work, and wound up from too many sexless nights. He barely regretted giving into Imogen’s needs a week ago, as he slipped himself between her legs. Eager to finish quickly, with the thought of Louis on his mind.

His boss Liam, could tell there was something wrong with his grumpy attitude towards the new intern Eleanor and his even shorter temper at Holly. So, every now and then, he would causally invite him out for a beer after work. They spent their late nights complaining about their partners and getting used to the soothing warmth of the amber liquid.

Harry tightened the tie around his throat, smoothing out the collar of his shirt. This dinner was only going to be for a few hours on some boring presentations about their annual profit. Before Liam’s boring speech that he had already proof-read about three times over.

Pausing at the door, Harry took in a deep breath, needing to become the family man everyone expected. Needing to smile next to his wife and proudly show off the photos of his son.

Opening the door, he almost laughed at the sight of Imogen and Louis both fussing over the presentation of Niall’s tie. “Harry hon, can you fix this?” Immi asked, frustrated as she glared at Louis stumbling over the silky fabric.

The green eyed man smirked, stepping between them as his arm accidentally brushed against Louis. He pressed his fingertips against the ugly orange tie. “Bet you haven’t tied one of these since high school.” Harry remarked, his eyes softly regarding the young boy by his side.

“I wear ties for Phillip’s end of year celebrations.” Louis briskly responded, taking a step back to allow him more room, and to not risk feeling his elbow against his chest again.

Harry swallowed, breathing out sharply as he tugged harshly on the slim tail, before feeding it through the loop. He drew it up into a half-Windsor knot, feeling his two partners scrutinising the tie.

“Thanks Harry, it looks great.” Niall beamed, as the man continued to straighten his collar ignoring his hot skin as his finger brushed against the Irishman’s neck. The defined muscles, too similar to Louis’s.

“It’s fine. We better get going.” Imogen mumbled, slinging her handbag over her shoulder and urging Niall towards the front door. “You can drive Harry.”

The siblings started to head out, as Louis stood awkwardly. There was so much he wanted to say to Harry, but seeing him behave like such an arsehole just exhausted him. He didn’t have the energy to fight him. “We’ll be back before midnight.” Harry mumbled, letting his eyes freely travel along Louis’s body, taking in his beautiful form that he wouldn’t be able to touch for another night. “Bye.”

Harry turned and left, Lou stood, listening to the thump of his shoes before hearing the slam of the front door. He collapsed back against the couch, taking in the silence as a chance to catch up with his racing thoughts.

Things had just been weird since Niall got here, since Oscar got here. Since their first night together.

 


	2. Chapter 2

“Stop that.” Immi hissed into Harry’s ear as he grumpily dropped the forks he was tapping against the clothed table.

Another slide was shown, as Liam continued to point out the company’s increased profits. Harry couldn’t stop thinking about Louis’s soft lips. That saying about distance making the heart grow fonder couldn’t have been more accurate. He wanted nothing more than to be home, with Louis in his arms, and with his cock up his arse.

Harry pushed his chair out, “Excuse me.” He slipped between the tables and crossed the room towards the bathrooms.

He locked the stall door behind him, as he took his dick out. It was only a little bit hard, he was sure that even if he did fuck Louis he would only last for a few minutes. He lifted the seat up with his polished shoe, before aiming in the bowl and pissing against the porcelain.

He finished up and washed his hands in the sink, reaching out for the paper towel as he realised how much he wanted to get home. He didn’t know the next chance he would get to have Louis all alone. It was almost becoming ridiculously difficult to see the boy, he even drove past Phillip’s uni a few times after work, hoping to catch a glimpse of Louis.

Tossing the dampened towels, he left the bathroom walking out slowly, trying to waste as much time as possible. He eventually sat next to Imogen, leaning to whisper in her ear. “I’m feeling like shit.”

She shushed him, not taking her eyes off Liam’s bland presentation.

Harry crossed his arms, rolling his head back and shutting his eyes. This had to be the most boring and most sexual frustrating moment of his life. His dick was stirring in his pants as memories of Lou’s lust blown eyes popped up in his thoughts.

Maybe he could take it slow, tease out the pleasure. Maybe he’ll have enough time to wring out two orgasms.

He couldn’t fucking take this any longer, with his hands against the table and ready to push off to leave. He suddenly heard his name echoed around the room, halting his movement.

All eyes turned to him, Liam was smiling the widest. “My most trusted employee and friend, Harry has been working endless nights with me. Without him we wouldn’t be staring at these numbers.” A round of applause was given to him, “Come up here Harry.”

Tightening his fingers around the stem of his wine glass, he downed his third load of alcohol before standing to his feet with great reluctance. He tried to act as causal as possible and not like he had a hard, aching cock crushed in his tight trousers. He greeted Liam, as they shook hands.

“Would you do the honours of announcing our newest partnership for next year?”

With a fake smile Harry held the microphone up, “Yeah. We’ve got Markus Badger’s newest project ‘Egyptian’ as a partner for our summer collection.” There was another applause, as Harry passed the microphone back to Liam and silently disappeared from the stage.

“With their partnership, I can almost guarantee that we’ll see at least the same numbers here or even higher for next year.” Liam beamed, as Harry was getting closer towards his seat a cool palm caught his shoulder.

They gave him a squeeze as he stopped, turning around to face them, as his pleasant smile fell quickly. Big breasts stared before him, with a small face smiling up at him. “Hey Harry. Liam wants us to go for drinks afterwards.” Holly said, noticing that his eyes never left her chest.

She smirked at his lack of response before she spun off past him, as Liam was concluding the event. Harry slugged his way back over to the table, torn between calling it a night, or staying around and getting pissed. The decision was made for him, as Liam soon approached his table after the presentation.

“Hi Imogen.” He greeted, giving her small hand a kiss before smiling over at Niall. Harry switched off as they chatted, he found his thoughts drifting over to Louis again. He was curious about what the boy would be up to now, whether he would be sneaking a beer from the fridge or fingering himself open on the couch. Harry subtly shifted the front of his pants, feigning interest in the conversation happening around him.

Louis had the most perfect body, his shoulders slim but wide enough to stretch out his torso. Pushing out the muscles in his stomach, as each step closer was overwhelming just from the danger in his dark eyes. Even the thick veins in his forearms were drawing him in. His entire body pulsing a type of energy that had Harry’s head spinning and his gut twisting. He wanted to give him what he needed.

Harry was victim to the cute playfulness of Louis’s desire. The gentle caress of his hands and the constant low push of his hips that tease out a response. There was nothing he could do when his hair flipped across his forehead, and his smile was no longer able to be hidden. Louis’s entire body would lean as close as possible into his touch, with the slightest jump in his toes as Harry’s lips would wrap around the head of his cock.

The way his name sounded from his mouth, was pleasure in itself. The smooth drag of his lips and the push of his tongue could say the sweetest, and dirtiest things. His slender fingers were firm and capable, knowing exactly where to touch. Even moving so swiftly across his phone in response to Phillip’s messages.

Harry swallowed, taken back by the sudden intrusion of Phil into his thoughts. He never really cared much for him, he seemed like a very boring person. “Anyway, we should probably head off to the pub.” Harry was surprised that Lou stayed with him for so long. “Harry?” But at least he still got to see the blue eyed boy on weekends. He loved those weekends, the chance to finally take the boy into his arms.  

A sharp bony elbow jabbed into his stomach, Harry flinched as he was shaken out of his thoughts. “Pardon?” 

“Want to come with us to the pub?” Liam asked, as Holly and a few other employees gathered around. Imogen nudged him again, in a gesture of ‘go ahead.’

With a frown, Harry tried to organise his mind as he stood. “Sure boss.” He muttered.

Liam clapped him on the shoulder, hauling him in for a side hug. “Let’s get a drink then yeah.” Harry chucked Imogen the car keys, nodding goodnight as he was led out of the building and into a four-wheel drive.

“How was the presentation?” Liam asked, as he was squished up against the curly haired man in the car, with a touchy Holly by Harry’s other side. Their thighs were all pressed tightly together, as Harry felt each of Liam’s breaths against his ribs. He had to look anywhere else, because of how close his brown eyes were.

“You were great man, you did a great job.” The curly hair man stated, briefly flicking his eyes back to his boss’. They smiled back at him.

“You did well too Harry.” Holly smirked, as she attempted to casually move her hand to his knee. But Harry couldn’t hold back his flinch.

As Harry stiffened, Liam quickly noticed his discomfort. His big concerned eyes finding her invasive hand. “Thanks.” He mumbled, praying for the car trip to be over. Holly was grinning too widely, her movements slow and clumsily. Harry also noticed the stench of alcohol on her breath.

He cleared his throat, shifting away from her and unintentionally pushing harder against Liam’s firm body. His already perverted mind didn’t have any troubles imagining what was underneath all the suits Liam would wear each day to work. He wondered about feeling the heat rush down his chest and the taste of his skin.

Harry shifted closer to Holly, not trusting himself to remain quiet beside his boss any longer.

They soon pulled up outside a nearby pub, he was so keen to be out of the car, that he bumped into Liam’s back as he was jumping out. His friend laughed it off casually, while leading him into the bar.

A few drinks in and Harry was finding it near impossible to remain glued to his seat. Holly was feeling up his arms, complimenting his muscles non-stop. While Liam kept thanking him for all the effort he put in.

He couldn’t clear Louis from his thoughts, those blue eyes just kept staring back at him. There was nothing even worth comparing from either Holly or Liam to Lou. Harry was holding back his disappointment of not being able to see the boy for another week. He was getting desperate to have him, he had even considered phone sex at one point. But he didn’t want to seem as desperate as he actually was.

Holly downed what was probably her seventh drink of the night. Her hand moving swiftly from the bar top to Harry’s inner thigh. “I’m going to head off actually.” He stated abruptly, pushing off from his seat. Both of his co-workers turned to him, shocked.

Liam took another swig of his beer, “Really? It’s not even a work night.”

With a pat on Liam’s shoulder, Harry stood completely avoiding Holly’s peering eyes. “Thanks man, but I’m just knackered. Better be getting home.”

Bouncing up on unsteady legs, Holly grabbed at his arm. “I’ll walk you out Harry.”

Hiding his bitterness, Harry continued making his way outside, with his assistant pulling on his arm. “Right, well goodnight.” He stated as soon as they were both across the boundary of the front door.

She gave him a teasing smile, the weightlessness of her eyes flickered across his face. “You’re so pretty Harry.” She whispered, her hand on his shoulder tightening as she stepped closer. “You make me feel so horny, you always have.”

He couldn’t hide the distasteful look across his face, “That’s really nice to say, but I really need to get home to my wife and child.”

She whacked him playfully, her sloppy action twisting her wrist the wrong way as a spike of pain shot through her nerves. “But you’re also cheeky.” She giggled, pushing herself up on her toes and forcefully planting a kiss to his lips. His hands were instantly gripping her hips. He held her steady for a moment, letting himself taste the bait that had been waved constantly in his face for four years now. Before he decided to shove her back. “Harry?” She wondered with shock.

It wasn’t worth it, his already having one affair, he didn’t need another. “Leave me alone.” He muttered, turning away from her as he caught sight of a well-dressed figure, watching their interaction from the doorway of the bar. Harry continued to walk off, needing space to clear his head, he didn’t dare turn back to defend himself from Liam’s prying eyes.

Tonight, had been a disaster, he had been an absolute cunt to the one person he genuinely enjoyed spending time with. Then had the most boring work function ever, and to end the night was then kissed by a co-worker.

He had hoped that his life would naturally sort itself out, and that everything would fall into the right spot. But it felt like everything had fallen a little bit to the left, and he had to go through every little fuck up just to move it across a millimetre.

With a huff he crossed the street, aiming to create as much space away from Holly as possible. It was a beautiful night anyway, maybe it was a good thing that he was walking home. He never did walk much anymore, no reason to travel by foot when he had a car at the ready.

There was something about seeing Louis tonight, something was different. Perhaps it was the intimate distance that was making it difficult to read what was on his mind. He seemed angry, and bitter about everything. About Imogen, Niall, Oscar and him. Of course, Louis had always seemed like he would leave him at any moment, but he never did. Although tonight, he genuinely seemed ready to let go of it all.

Harry was so sure that Lou would always be in his life, ever since he whispered those words in the laundry of his mother’s house. Since those wide eyes closed and trusted his body to fall into Harry’s arms.

He was too young, and Harry was too stupid. It feels like they’ve just tapped a bandage around their cancer. Harry hates to admit it, but he knows deep inside that no matter how long they continue jumping around Imogen and Phil. The time will eventually add up, and the truth will be that they end up spending more time with the ones they don’t love, then the ones they do. It can’t be treated by ignoring it. It needs to be medicated, tortured and cut out. Ignorance only festers a larger problem. Letting their secret spread to other aspects of their lives, polluting their thoughts with sick comparisons of the ones they’re surrounded by.

Somewhere in his mind, Harry knew that what they had was only temporary. It tied them both together and stopped them from ever moving on.

The long and winding path ahead curved towards a park, surrounded by small coffee shops. The chatter of late-night patrons diluted the steady sound of any approaching steps. Harry watched the toe of his shoe drag against the concrete path, wondering how many years left they would last.

Startled blue eyes noticed first, as he slowed down with disbelief. He waited for Harry to finally notice him, as he watched the tiredness in his weary movements.

The path flickered between lamps blocked by trees, as Harry’s polished shoes melted into darkness. The interference almost hid the boy’s chewed up sneakers. Feeling the air freeze around him, as Harry looked up at the person waiting to the side.

His hair was swept into a mess, nothing hiding the magnificent blue in his eyes. His mouth felt dry at the unexpected proximity of his warm body. Harry wished he could say that he grew up with him, watched him turn from a boy into a loving man. But he wondered whether he was there yet, much like himself.

Louis unwound his arms from his chest, as he wet his lip unconsciously, getting ready to say something.

Scared to hear anything like a rejection, Harry closed the final distance. His large hands pressing against his hips, angling his body towards his. Lou melted into the gentle pressure, finding his lips parting without any words to say.

The blue eyed boy could see the tiredness in his green eyes, he noticed the tension in his movements earlier on but only now did he have the chance to ease it. He brushed their chests together, tilting his head to the side as he rested his chin on Harry’s firm shoulder, his hands soon wrapped around his back, pulling them together closely.

Relief flooded Harry’s chest as he took in the familiar shape of Louis’s body against his. The warmth spread across his muscles, heating his soul as he breathed in the scent of Louis’s day-old clothes and cheap cigarettes.

They were safe in the silence, caught in the touch and tendency of their relationship. Harry didn’t want to hear about Phillip, didn’t want to talk about work. He didn’t want Louis to know that his life was nothing without him.

Louis was scared to move, he wanted to hold this moment and not rush it for once. He wanted to catch his breath and clear his head to finally build up the courage to ask Harry something stupid, like to divorce Imogen.

The body against his chest began to shake, his hands losing their grip on his waist as he trembled. Lou carefully ran a hand through Harry’s curls, as he leant back to see him.

With his teeth sunk into his bottom lip, Harry tried to hold back the sadness and fear erupting in his chest. He didn’t want to look at Louis. Didn’t want to give him an excuse to leave. He needed to be the strong man that he fell in love with.

He stepped out of Louis’s hold, pinching the bridge of his nose and taking in a few deep breaths. “What the fuck are you doing here?” Harry spat, looking anywhere but at the blue eyed boy.

“It’s on the way to my place.” He mumbled, his voice soft and timid. His presence withdrawn and his feet fidgeting on the concrete. He must be desperate to get back to Phil.

Harry yanked his head up, the green of his eyes piercing through Louis as his sadness morphed into anger. “You must be pretty desperate to get home for Phil to fuck you.” He muttered, “I won’t hold you up any longer.” He tightened his arms across his chest to avoid doing anything he might regret.  

Confusion dented his brow as Louis dared to step closer, “Harry I’m really glad to see you.” He was amazed by the hesitance in Harry’s normally over confident physique. “It’s been so long since we’ve been alone.”

Swallowing back the bitterness in his throat, Harry took in Louis’s pink cheeks and puffing breaths. It was a cold winter night, and he couldn’t understand why he didn’t have his arms wrapped around the boy. “I’m sorry.” He whispered, straightening his back and uncrossing his arms.

Louis sighed in relief, stepping closer and touching his fingertips along his wrist. The delicate trace of the older man’s tendons flinched underneath his touch. A small smile pushed at the corner of Louis’s lips as he entwined their fingers together.

Harry didn’t need any more encouragement. His hand cupped Lou’s jaw, tilting his head up before pressing a kiss to his lips. He closed his eyes, taking in the pressure of his frost-bitten lips. He breathed in the softness of his slow and careful movements.

Running his hand down Louis’s back, Harry dragged him closer. Their bodies moved together in a simple and forgotten way.  Biting his way into Louis’s mouth, his tongue traced the sharp edges of his teeth. Louis tightened his hand in the fabric of the green eyed man’s jacket, pulling them even closer together 

A moan accidentally slipped from Louis’s throat, as he started to blush shyly. Harry smirked into the kiss before leaning back to stare at the pink flush scattered over his cheeks. He pecked a kiss to his lips again, before gently holding his shoulders and walking them both back behind the park’s chain-link tennis court fence. 

Louis rolled his head back against the fence, loving how Harry’s body felt against his. His hands travelled freely along his sides and between his thighs. The rush of his breath in his ear, had Louis’s hips pushing forward trying to find friction. He couldn’t silence the whine that slipped between his parted lips.

Harry’s trembling fingers reached towards Louis’s zip, as he clumsily tugged it down and undid the button. The cool air hit the bare skin of Louis’s stomach as goosebumps tingled over his skin, making Harry’s touches feel like fire against the cold. The older man heaved the boy’s jeans down his legs, revealing red boxers that brought a small smile over his lips.

He undid his own, as Lou continued to kick his pants to the grass. Harry slipped his fingers under the waistband of Lou’s red boxers, before slowly dragging them down his legs. He traced his fingers up along his bare thigh, feeling the soft blonde hairs underneath his palm. He wrapped his hand around the blue eyed man’s cock, startling out a breathless gasp from his throat.

There was too much that he wanted to touch, he wanted to remember every single mark and scar along Louis’s body. But the darkness kept them hidden from the world. He could only touch and feel the desperation from his slim body.

Louis reached forward, pulling out Harry’s cock as the man stepped closer. They slowly dragged their hands along each other’s members, the innocent touch hidden behind the rough pant of their mixed breaths.

Tilting his head back, to expose his neck Louis stared up at the cloudy sky. Harry released his hold on Louis’s cock. Instead leaning forward and sucking a kiss to his throat. He scrapped his teeth along the sensitive skin as Lou’s hand stuttered for a moment as his brain was washed away by bliss.

Harry’s hands moved down towards the blue eyed boy’s hips, holding on tightly as he kissed his way up to Lou’s parted lips. Moaning softly into the kiss, Louis let himself relax into Harry’s arms. Missing his gentle and tender touches.

Pressing his fingertips into his hip bones, Harry stepped back before spinning the blue eyed boy around and pushing him against the fence. The older man ran his hands down his back, following the curve of his spine towards his bare arse.

Fear struck through Louis’s chest, as he realised neither of them had anything to make this comfortable. He looked back over his shoulder to see Harry’s determined and focused eyes. It was too late. Lou tightened his hands in the chain-link fence, holding his breath as Harry’s dick nudged between his cheeks.

Harry nearly fell over with the feeling of relief, as he began to push into the boy. It heated his body as he pushed in further, scrapping his nails over his hips. He groaned as he settled deeply into Lou, pleasure was beyond belief as he rested his head against Louis’s shoulder. “Your perfect.” He whispered in his ear.

Lou’s teeth were cutting into his lip as he held back his shout of pain, he clenched his jaw shut. He wanted this. He wanted to feel Harry, he was so desperate that he would be happy to feel the pain.

Harry lifted his head, pressing a kiss to the base of his neck, before leaning back and withdrawing his hips. He then pushed forward, stirring a gasp from the boy’s chest. He started to pump in and out, pushing a hand at the back of Lou’s neck to hold him against the fence.

He didn’t want to think of Imogen’s spread legs, didn’t want to think of Phil’s caring nature. Harry just wanted it to be them. He wanted it to be Louis’s smirk and his playful dress ups. He wanted to forget the fear that haunted him since his childhood. He wanted to be removed from all the doubt and insecurities that tormented him throughout his life.

He thrusted in harder, hating himself for what he was doing. It was wrong. His mixed thoughts spinning around his head as he was twisted between guilt and relief. He had a beautiful wife and son at home. He had a good job, a great friend and a hot assistant. He shouldn’t be stuck wanting to fuck this kid. “Harder.” Louis gasped, meeting each thrust. Harry should be moving on from the things that happened in the past. He didn’t need to act out at Imogen anymore. She stopped cheating, only he hadn’t.

He wanted to bleach his brain, to sear the cells in a clear solution. To forget everything. It hurt too much to watch himself destroy this. To see the eroding damage of pain in Louis’s once innocent eyes.

The younger man couldn’t hold back the moans anymore, Harry was hitting his prostate perfectly. He wrapped his own hand around his cock pumping it quickly, as he felt Harry move erratically, losing his rhythm. “I’ve got you, love.” Harry whispered, wrapping his hand around Louis’s cock.

Lou almost came from the sincere touch, he instead focused on the feeling of the older man behind him. Loving the warmth from his chest that seeped into his spine. His movements firm and demanding, determined to bring out both their orgasms.

They both wouldn’t last much longer, Harry clenched his hand around the back of Lou’s neck as he came buried deep inside him. Louis stuttered on his breath as he looked down at Harry’s hand wrapped around his cock.

He wondered briefly if this would ever happen the other way around.

Harry’s cum seeped inside the boy, the heat overwhelming as Louis felt himself nearing closer to the edge. He groaned loudly, already feeling Harry pull out.

It felt like he pulled his heart out, when Harry already had his zipper up and turned away. Lou hung his head against the fence, staring down at his white cum that splattered over the dark metal chains. He felt his eyes sting, as he heard Harry walk off, his footsteps falling quiet.  

He tried to catch his breath, but it felt like everything in his body had been disrupted. He wasn’t sure what he should do next. He threw a glance towards Harry, seeing him kneeled down by the pathway, with his head shamefully held in his hands.

Louis pulled up his pants, Harry’s cum already dripping down the back of his thigh. He felt disgusting. He crossed his arms over his chest, trying not to cry about the lingering pain in his arse and the ebbing emptiness’s in his chest. 

He felt sick, Harry’s mind raced with doubts as he tried to ground himself. It didn’t feel real, it felt like a nightmare as his thoughts were plague by memories of Louis and Phil’s playful flirting. Their once innocent almost childish-like relationships, before Harry walked in on them rolling around on the bed and stopped it.

Phil’s face dropped as he saw him watching by the doorframe, it always took Louis longer to notice him. But in that moment before Lou would straighten up his school uniform, Harry felt as if Phillip could read everything about him. His brown eyes searched through his mind, finding the fear and love deeply entwined together. The soft frown in his face, showed that he knew they were sleeping together

Even during Louis’s final exams, Harry didn’t care, he would still hold the boy down and pound into him. He would only think about himself. He could see the anger in Phillip’s eyes at graduation as Harry stood beside Jo, both of them cheering on Louis’s failed exams.

He almost expected to hear about Phil leaving Louis, but it never happened. Maybe if Louis was just his, then maybe Harry would give up Imogen and Oscar. But he shouldn’t be waiting for Phil, that man had too much patience and love for Louis.

More than Harry could ever give.

 


	3. Chapter 3

It felt like a lie. Like a performance. Even days later, it drove Louis insane as he tried to understand how things could go from 0 to 100 in an instant. It felt like things were happening in reverse, like the sex drew them apart, rather than bringing them together. 

He lied back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. He didn’t feel heartbroken, it felt stronger than that. He had been heartbroken many times before, but nothing had ached his soul as much as Harry walking away from him. 

Normally it would be Louis that needed to be the first one to leave, but this time Harry just didn’t want to stay.

He sighed, rolling onto his side. It was almost 6:30 pm, Phillip would be returning from his lecture soon enough.

Louis ran a hand down his face, trying not to think about the same thing over and over again. He knew he had to distract himself before he goes insane. He rolled out of bed, and jumped up on his feet. His body wobbled as he instantly felt lightheaded. He blinked his eyes open and found his bleak reflection staring back at him in the cupboard mirror.

Since he moved out of home, no one ever complained about his messy hair or dirty clothes. He assumed that no one really loved him as much as his mother does.

He was sick of looking like shit, maybe if he put an effort in looking better, then maybe Harry would invite him out to restaurants rather than to the guest bathroom. Louis ran a hand down his stomach, feeling his tensed stomach. It wasn’t muscly, it wasn’t fat, it was just nothing special.

He slipped his hand underneath the hem of his shirt and lifted it up to his chest, he stared down at his belly with familiar disappointment. He sighed, moving his other hand to undo the button of his jeans, before shoving them down around his thighs.

It wasn’t that impressive. His limp penis hung like a wilted flower amongst rough grass. Louis wanted to tuck it away and forget that the average dick was attached to his body. He never really used it much, normally he took dick rather than gave it.

He thought of Harry’s perfect dick, it’s smooth head and strong shaft. It titled slightly more upwards, fitting perfectly inside his arse. A smirk lifted up Lou’s lips, as he realised that Harry had a perfect dick to please a man.

Even Phillip’s dick had a type of beauty to it. But Louis couldn’t feel more revolted about his own. He ran his thumb through the short-tangled hair, it was a lot darker than his normal hair. He traced down from the thin scattering of hair below his belly button to the thick mess above his cock.

He pulled at the hair, watching it fight as it clung tightly underneath his skin. He yanked it, a sharp sting of pain shot through his groin. Slowly he turned his fist over, before opening his fingers to find a few strands of his public hair.

It seemed like a solution. To become a better version of himself, he had to chip away the bad bits.

 

***

 

Phillip came home to a screaming radio and no Lou. He dropped his backpack, and the tub of ice cream he picked up from the shops, to rush over and turn down the speaker. He spun around to face the shut bathroom door. Cautiously he lifted his palm to gently knock. “Lou?”

The door opened a bit, as a very blue eyed Louis looked out. “Just give me a moment, sit on the bed and wait for me.” The brown hair man mumbled quickly.

Raising his hands in defeat, Phil stepped back from the door. Bending down to pick up the ice cream, before dropping it in the tiny freezer. He kicked off his shoes and slipped his jacket off. The sheets were still a crinkled mess from this morning, and Phil couldn’t help but smile fondly at the memories of Louis’s soft whispers in his ear. Phillip sat down, waiting.

His heartbeat was thumping loudly in his ears, and Lou couldn’t see straight. His body still felt sore, completely numb as he finished off his eye liner. He took in a final breath before opening the bathroom door and stepping out.

Louis watched his boyfriend’s eyes shift between his face to his body. A new expression slipping over his face, as he seemed to look at Louis like he would a text book. Taking in everything as a mathematical equation. His eyebrow twitched as he looked back up into Lou’s awaiting eyes. “You’ve been busy today.” Phil finally stated after a pause.

The blue eyed boy nodded, running his hands down his chest towards his crotch. He enjoyed the way Phillip’s predictable eyes followed the movement. But he didn’t like how little Phil reacted in any other way.

Surely Harry would have had a hard on by now.

“Come here, Louis.” Phil whispered, the boy strutted closer, almost crying as Phil looked the other way.

With a burst of anger, Louis straddled Phil’s thighs, glaring right at him. Phillip returned his pointed look, he raised his hand hesitantly to touch his jaw. “I love you, more than anything.” He supplied, his other hand pressing innocently against Louis’s knee. “I’m not confused at all, love. You don’t need-”

“It’s just an idea.” Lou cut in, looking away. He didn’t want to cry; his damn eyeliner would end up all over the clean bed sheets. He already regretted walking out looking like a freak. He didn’t need to be reminded every morning when he woke up. “Wanted to be a bit different.”

Phil let a small smile lighten up his face, his hand moved to Louis’s shoulder. His eyes flicked down to Lou’s chest, as he fought the primal urge to slip the flimsy blue bra strap down his arm. “I love how different you are.” He continued to fret, his other hand moving further up his thigh. “But why did you choose to do something more permanent?”

Louis let out a mockingly loud laugh, “It’ll grow back Phillip, get over yourself.”

“But it’s just for sex.” Phil urged, “You never wear this shit outside.”

With a self-hating laugh, Lou scoffed looking away he felt the tears begin to form in his eyes. “Well maybe I didn’t fucking do it for you.” He spat.

Phil froze, he fought to stay still without withdrawing his touches and forcing Lou to step back. He hadn’t ever thought that Louis’s occasional dress ups would define their sex life. It didn’t do anything for Phil, he was attracted to hard lines, and rough stubble, he only wanted to love his boyfriend.

Phillip’s eyes slipped down between them, staring at Louis’s bare skin. The area around his cock was still red from irritation. He looked back up at Louis’s pissed off expression, his makeup starting to run as he bit his red painted lip. “If your happy. Then I’m happy.” Phil whispered, leaning forward and capturing Louis’s abused lip in his.

Louis whined in surprise, as his boyfriend held him tighter. Phil’s thumb carefully wiped away a fallen tear, before standing from the bed with Louis’s lifted against his chest. Phil very carefully laid his boyfriend back against the sheets, letting his hands slowly follow the straight outline of his hips.

No longer fighting the urge, Phillip slipped the bra straps off Louis’s shoulders before unclipping it and throwing it to the floor. He collapsed on the boy, pressing a kiss to his smooth chest. He could feel Louis’s heart racing underneath his lips. “I love you.” Phil whispered, pressing a kiss to his heart. He slowly lifted his head up, seeing the rapid rise and fall of the blue eyed man’s chest.

Phil gently slipped between Louis’s thighs, sitting up to stare at his lost blue eyes that were still moments away from crying again. Phil lowered his head, letting his tongue swipe at his boyfriend’s half-filled cock.

“Phil.” Louis reminded, jumping at the unexpected touch.

Pushing down and taking in as much of Louis’s cock as he could, Phil licked his tongue along the underside. “Phil, you know I don’t do that when I’m dressed like this.” Louis complained, his hands tightening in Phillip’s short blonde hair before trying to tug him away. Phillip ignore the sting of pain as he bobbed his head faster, hating how his nose bumped against bare skin. He missed breathing in the musky scent of Louis, he missed the scratch against his face, and hands.  

“Phil.” Louis moaned, his orgasm building closer. “Stop I don’t want to cum like this.”

His boyfriend swirled his tongue over the head, tasting the first few drops of precum as he alternated between kissing the tip and pumping his hand along the length. “Phillip.” Louis grunted, his hands pulling harder in his blonde hair.

Phil let his cock slip out of his mouth as he glared up at Louis. “What? Would you prefer I had my dick shoved in your pussy?” He regretted the words as soon as they were said.

With his cock aching hard, Louis huffed angrily. He still didn’t understand how Phil could be so pissed off. “Fuck you.” He muttered instead, taking himself in hand and jerking off.

The blonde hair man sat back, watching and waiting patiently until Lou came. He kept quiet even after Louis had caught his breath. “If you don’t accept who I am Phillip, why don’t you just fuck off.” He muttered, his orgasm doing nothing to calm him down.

Phil scowled, “Why don’t you accept who you are?”

“I do accept who I am!” Louis shouted, sitting up and crossing his arms over his chest.

Frowning down at his half hard cock, Phil shook his head. He couldn’t go back down on Louis like this, his stripped raw hairless cunt just messed with his head. He was attracted to men, and even with a cock between his legs it was the way he behaved, like a whorey teenage girl. Like he never grew up.

“Louis… I feel like your angry with me.”

“Of course I’m fuckin-“

“Not just now.” Phil continued bitterly, looking across the room. “It’s like your trying to encourage me to be aggressive. I see you flirt with other guys at parties, and you’re always teasing me during sex until it feels like I’m raping you in the end.”

Louis stood from the bed, scoffing as he slipped his clothes back on. “Raping me? What the fuck.”

“You encourage me to go rough, when I can see that it’s hurting you. You’re not even enjoying it. It’s like you feel that you owe me sex for some reason. Whether that’s because of this flat, or something-”

“Owe you?” Lou spat, shoving his feet in his raggedy pair of shoes. “I’m not a fucking prostitute. 

“That’s not what I mean.” Phillip shouted after Louis as he slammed the door shut.

Louis ran off from the university accommodation. Turning his back on the only person in his life who supported him. He couldn’t stop his feet from falling one in front of the other.

He kept going until he reached the local supermarket. Louis kept himself hidden between the baking isles. He knew that Phillip wouldn’t look in here as he always felt sick at the thought of food, whenever he felt sad, stressed or angry. 

An hour had passed before one of the employees gave Louis a concerned look. He knew he still had makeup on his face, and was almost certain that it was dribbling down his tear streaked face. He ended up buying a small tub of ice cream. 

He used the lid to scoop as much chocolate ice cream as he could into his mouth, but he still had this weird feeling hovering over him. Phillip can’t hate him. His boyfriend had been with him through thick and thin. Always offering a friendly excuse for the way Harry left him feeling down, he wouldn’t even ask questions about the marks on his neck or the tenderness in his arse.

Louis had fucked everything up again. He hated to admit it, but Harry was on his mind as he ran the razor along his crotch. Harry was in his head as he strutted towards Phil. Harry was in his blood as he shouted at Phil. Harry was like poison in his thoughts.  

Yet Harry was crouched near the park’s footpath, his chest heaving as Louis slowly walked away. Feeling used and forgotten.

The ice cream melted between his fingers, dripping to the pavement as it froze his tongue with its dull taste. Phillip had never yelled at him. He wasn’t an angry person, he knew him so well after 10 years. He was never upset about Louis dressing like a girl before, normally he would laugh it off, and not really take it seriously. 

Louis sighed as his bare crotch was itchy again, it felt weird now that he didn’t have pubes. But he was sure that it would eventually become normal. He wasn’t sure whether he truly regretted it yet, he won’t know until he sees how Harry responds. He tightened his grip on the ice cream tub, as he tried not to think about what he would do if Harry reacted in the same way.

It was his body in the end, and it was his decision.

He felt sick, he dropped the rest of the ice cream in a nearby bin. He wished Phil wouldn’t be so reasonable. It was difficult to understand what he was thinking, especially when he never shouted or complained about the things that should have bothered him. He never said what was on his mind.

Louis slumped against the store’s brick wall, letting the nights cool air brush over his skin. Maybe he was going insane. Perhaps all the hours spent staring off into space was making him loose touch of the people around him.

He was so nervous, he wasn’t sure whether it would be better to apologise to Phil, or runaway to Harry. He pulled his phone out, clicking Harry’s contact. Their last message was so formal, asking if he was available to babysit between 7:30 to 11:30. Louis used to get sweet messages from him, asking about his day and sending little reminders that he was still alive. Then Imogen started reading his messages and got curious about their relationship.

But Louis wasn’t sure whether he cared if Imogen saw anymore. He teased the idea about her finding out and finally leaving Harry. He could tell that he was feeling reckless, and he should have put his phone away then. Instead he typed out a message.

His trembling fingers struggled to finish the text in the cold air, his body starting to shiver as he clicked send.

 

***

 

Imogen was staring, he hated it when she watched him with wide eyes. They were too similar to another shade of blue. Harry put down his work notes, turning his head to meet her gaze. “What?” He questioned.

She blushed, knowing she was caught. Nervously she sat up straighter in their bed, shuffling closer until her cold foot brushed against his leg. “You know you’re starting to get a frown on your forehead when you look at those stupid papers.” She mumbled, playing with a piece of his curly hair.

“What?” He repeated, moving his hair out of her reach.

Her soft hand pressed on his shoulder as she leaned closer, “Did you want to repeat what we did last week?” She whispered.

The man’s gut clenched uncomfortably at the memory of her thighs wrapped around his waist. “No.” He bit out, trying to read his notes again.

She sighed, grumpily rolling onto her back. “Fine.” She muttered shoving her shorts down her legs. She drew her legs up, and traced her fingers down her inner thigh towards her cunt.

Harry ignored the soft gasps she made, he purposefully focused on the citation about the office’s weekly expenditure. He had to finish these before tomorrow, as he was already so far behind. He had to stop thinking of how he left things with Louis, it was driving him insane. Imogen moaned again, rocking her hips up as she slipped a finger inside herself.

Her rhythmic rocking was so fucking irritating, Harry couldn’t concentrate on the words as all he saw was Imogen’s head rolled back and her legs spread wide open.

The man cleared his throat, throwing the blankets off himself as he stood to his feet. “I’ll be reading this outside.” He muttered, leaving her to finger fuck herself alone.

He closed their bedroom door behind himself, hating how much she tried to annoy him at every possibility. He switched the light on, before dropping himself onto the couch. He was surprised to find Niall was off in his own room and not binging on TV all night. The papers were crinkled from his tight grip, but at least he could concentrate on the boring facts he had to understand.

He lost track of the time as he finished the second document, he checked his phone for the time but was taken back by a message he received 20 minutes ago.

 _I think I’ve fucked up._

His heart sped up in concern as he read Louis’s message, he didn’t expect to hear from him so soon. Harry regretted how he left things, with Louis walking off as he sat trying to convince himself he wasn’t that bad of a person.

He quickly responded, hoping that Louis didn’t do anything bad. He couldn’t imagine what the boy had done wrong. Unless it was things with Phillip. Harry’s chest lightened at the that thought.

  _What’s happened? Where are you?_

Harry hated texting, it always had him waiting ages while staring at his stupid words wondering if it was enough or too little. He put his phone on his stomach, picking up his papers again and trying to finish. But it was even more difficult to concentrate than if Imogen were to get fucked beside him by a guy from her gym.

He was starting to panic. His head was filled with different thoughts about how Louis could have fucked things up. He worried that it all had to do with the other night. He was too rough, he knew he was. He should have stayed with Louis, helped him back into his clothes and given him a kiss goodbye. 

He threw his papers to the floor, standing up and pacing. He hated this distance. He hated pretending to live this family man lifestyle. It wasn’t him. He wanted to have Louis beside him, to see him every day.

His feet stopped short, he was worried that everything would change if they lived together. Harry didn’t know whether that would be enough. He loved the chase, and loved the risk of fucking Louis underneath his parent’s roof. Even fucking him under Imogen’s roof. But loving him under their roof seemed too good to be true. It was just impossible. Gay men living together wouldn’t work. It would just be too fucking disgusting.

A sharp thrill, brought Harry out of his spiralling thoughts. He quickly read the message.

_I don’t want to go back to Phil._

Harry knew he wouldn’t be able to wait for another response, he quickly stepped out the front door, grabbing his keys before phoning his number.

“Hello?” Louis’s soft voice asked, as Harry breathed a sigh of relief.  
  
“Where are you?” He questioned, opening the car door. “I’ll pick you up.”

Louis clutched the phone tighter against his ear, his body tingling from the concern embedded in Harry’s deep voice. “You don’t have to. I’m just going to wait it out until Phil goes to uni tomorrow.”

“Well which street were you going to sleep on?” Harry asked bitterly.

The younger man sighed, “It’s not really that big of deal. You have work tomorrow, you better go to bed. I’ll just go back to Phil’s anyway. We only had a small fight. I shouldn’t have messaged you.”

Harry thumped the steering wheel angrily, “Tell me where you are.”

“Caurion Avenue.” Lou said quietly, wrapping his arms around himself tighter.

Within ten minutes, Harry was pulling up alongside the curb. Looking between the blocks of houses before he spotted Louis sitting beside a power box. Harry took in his short-sleeved shirt, and frostbitten cheeks.

A burst of anger coated the fear hidden in Harry’s gut as he looked at the way Phillip left Louis, clutching himself tightly and moments away from sleeping on the street.

Harry approached him, his bare feet freezing on the cold pavement. “Lou?” He murmured, kneeling beside him.  

Wide blue eyes met his, an unsaid look of relief overtaking his features. The older man noticed the dark ink underlining his eyes, he was wearing makeup. Harry wrapped an arm over his shoulders, lifting him up and taking him to the car.

They both say in silence, as Harry steered back towards his house. He was still unsure as too where they both stood, but he could tell that Louis was too exhausted for that conversation.

Another curiosity overtook Harry’s hesitance, “What did Phillip do to you?”

“Nothing.” Louis replied instantly.

Harry’s grip tightened on the steering wheel. “He left you out on the street freezing your arse off.”

“But he didn’t do anything. It was me.” The younger man urged, the car’s heaters staring to thaw his frozen muscles. “I upset him. I did something that I thought he would like.”

“What did you do?” Harry asked. “Was it the dress up?”

Louis’s body wasn’t warm enough to blush, so instead he shrugged, not sure whether he really cared about what Harry thought anymore. He sighed out, unbuttoning his jeans and shoving them down around his thighs. This caught the older man’s attention, as he swerved into the other lane by accident.

“I’ve fucked up.” Louis muttered, staring down at his bare cock. Harry took in the smooth expanse of his groin, he could see the shape of his pelvis clearer and the skin tighten as it led towards his thick cock.

Even when he was limp, it still looked gorgeous on its own. It had Harry’s thoughts running wild as he wondered what it would feel like to take his cock in hand without the rough scratch of hair.

The wheels jittered over the rumble strip as Harry yanked his head up, taking in the dark stretch of street. He was on the wrong side of the road, heading straight for an intersection. He quickly turned over into the other lane. His heart beating too loudly in his ears as he felt Louis tense up beside him, looking up at the road. “You better put your cock away before I crash.” Harry chuckled, relieved no other car came across.

The blue eyed man finally had enough strength to blush as he pulled his pants back up. “Sorry. I shouldn’t’ have done that.”

Harry frowned, noticing Lou’s shame. “No, I should have pulled over.” He stated, “I know I can’t take my eyes off your cock.”

Louis wondered whether he was being serious, he never really showed that much interest in his dick before. Normally all the attention was saved for his arse. Lou remained quiet, starting to wonder how long he would be at Harry’s house before being kicked out by Imogen.

This was a stupid idea. Imogen hated having Louis over for the few hours a week when they needed him to babysit. But to house him overnight, because of his relationship issues wasn’t going to end well.

The car pulled up into the driveway, Louis waited until Harry jumped out before following suit. The cold air forced him to shiver as he followed Harry up the familiar steps and inside the warmer house. It was darker than Lou had ever since, the eerie silence made him uncomfortable as Harry dropped his keys with a clatter on the front counter.

“Come here.” Harry whispered, wrapping the blue eyed man in his arms. Louis returned the gesture, letting himself fall into his strong arms. The older man, pressed a kiss to his neck. Breathing in his scent and letting it calm his nerves. No matter what Imogen would say, he knew that just having him here would be worth it.

Harry pulled out a blanket from the cupboard before dropping it on the couch. “Hope this is okay.” He murmured, as Louis kicked his shoes off.

“It’s great. I can’t thank you enough for letting me stay.” Louis whispered, not wanting to wake anyone up. “I’ll be gone in the morning.”

The older man reached a hand up to hold his jaw, “Stay, I’ll get you breakfast in the morning and I’ll explain everything to Imogen. There’s nothing incriminating about having you sleep out here on the couch.” He mumbled, leaning forward to kiss his lips.

Louis let his eyes fall shut, holding onto Harry. “Can you stay for a bit?” He asked quietly, looking up into his light green eyes.

He nodded, leading Lou to the couch as he laid down. Harry moved beside him, wrapping an arm over his hip and pulling him against his chest. He could still feel the cold in Lou’s bones, he pulled the blanket over them. Pushing a kiss to the base of his neck, and entwining their legs together.

The gentle touches, lulled Louis into sleep as he held onto Harry’s hand tightly.

Harry had never held the boy in his arms like this, he had never watched his chest fall into a steady breath, or felt his muscles loosen as sleep overtook him. He wished he could hold him like this forever, to trace the jut of his hips under his hand and to kiss him awake in the morning.

But instead he removed his hand from around his waist, slipping his leg out from between his and carefully lifting himself to his feet. He moved the blanket back over him, pressing a last kiss to his cheek before quietly stepping towards his bedroom.

Maybe he had finally gone insane. He figured that his head would be in a different spot tomorrow, and he would either be defending Lou or kicking him out. He didn’t want to think about it now, he was feeling perfectly relaxed and had the soothing image of Lou fast asleep fresh in his mind.

In the darkness, Harry couldn’t see Imogen’s eyes watching his every step as he neared the bed. He couldn’t see the twitch in her brow as he rolled on his side to face away from her, closing his eyes and remembering the warmth of Lou’s body.

 


End file.
